NUMB (August 12, 2020)

I write a lot about noticing. It’s an enjoyable exercise which lets me write about what’s happening in my small world without having to delve too deep into an inside which at the moment seems, well, numb. 

There are signs. As I write this, I’m chewing ferociously on sugar-free Mentos tablets, lumps of which I chuck into the wastepaper basket when the flavor has died and then refresh (just spat one out and started another). I like to crunch the outside crust before delving into the chewier inside, and I am convinced the sharp burst of mint in my mouth helps me focus and write, or indeed do anything that requires concentration. Answer correspondence? pop a Mentos. Filing documents? Mentos again, and so on - I go through an embarrassing amount of these addictive icy-blue pieces of gum. Oddly, I do not require Mentos in the kitchen where my creativity as yet has not flagged, but there I can beliscar, as they say cutely here – the word also means to pinch a cheek or a bottom – or snack on nuts, cream crackers, or whatever I’m chopping. I need or crave to chew something these days. 

At this moment I remember I grind my teeth at night and sleep with a mouthguard. Maybe there’s a connection?

 

So, my inside. What’s going on? Any deep thoughts about the state of the world and my place in it at this moment? Not really, I’m afraid. Those thoughts are scary and I’m avoiding scary right now. I have no problem watching action movies and thrillers, I enjoy a good plot and a certain amount of tension, but there’s a kind of scary that I cannot watch anymore - when perfidious evil is involved, and things go from bad to worse. It’s a feeling, hard to define, but enough to act on. I exit the movie. On the other hand, I feel grateful when I discover movies with great acting that explore human feelings in a positive way, without violence - when the characters are well-developed and surprise me with unexpected depth or humor.

 

I have a hard time going to sleep – my head doesn’t quiet down easily. There’s no point in reading a novel then, it will just fire up my mind, sensitive to those choices between good and evil, so I lie in the dark with my iPad and work through a sequence of games, Sudoku, FreeCell, Spider, and the NYT mini crossword puzzle. The exercise frees my mind of any other thoughts, as I think of numbers, words, and combinations, until I find myself yawning, and I can go into what I call ‘stage two’, lying on my side, one pillow under my head and another between my knees. Then I find sleep approaching, random thoughts still presenting, but in a threadlike floaty way, until my eyes close and I am drifting off into oblivion.