IN CAPTIVITY (June 28, 2020)

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🥀


There’s a word in Portuguese “murchar”, which means to wither, wilt, lose force. Like many words in the Brazilian language it is pronounced with lips pushed out softly, as if for a kiss. It is how I feel after 107 quarantine days, minus the kissing part. An elan – energy, style, enthusiasm – is missing, replaced by a slow draining of determination and initiative. It’s a dry feeling, if you will, of one’s resources trickling away. “Ever to confess you’re bored / means you have no // Inner Resources” wrote John Berryman in his “Dreamsong #14”. The quotation has followed me from my early twenties and served as a reminder to never let go of those inner resources – I am rarely bored as a result – but now, I don’t know, now there’s a new feeling, like teetering on the edge of something beyond my will.

🙁

Unable to finish the four or six books I’ve started, I busy myself with shorter tasks, like baking and cooking. I exercise, although much less than two months ago, clean the house, but again with less zeal than before, put loads in the washer, shower, and dress. To boost morale, I think about what to wear, which colors to choose, and then give up on styling my hair which has grown long and lank. Make-up and nail polish belong to the past now. I cut my once manicured nails short and notice a lingering smell of garlic on my fingertips.

 

 👉: 🧺🧹🍞🧵🚿      🙅‍ : 💅💇🏼‍💄


I invent little rituals to pamper us and also somehow mark the time. For example, croissants on Sundays. This is our 16thSunday in quarantine and thus my husband and I have shared 32 croissants in our 16-week captivity. A period that would have included a family trip to Madrid and Northern Spain, canceled when we saw the way things were going. In the beginning we thought the isolation would last 2 weeks, maybe a month, and that the peak of the pandemic would be reached during the first two weeks of April. April turned to May, then June, and now, at the end of June, the peak still seems distant, maybe only in August or even October will we see the descent of the curve. In an interview Boni, the 84-year-old legendary Brazilian former TV czar, stated, “I’m not leaving my house until there’s a vaccine.” His words struck home. We’re younger, but not that much younger, and nothing has changed outside our walls to make us safer, and there is little reason to leave the house.

 

# 🥐🥐 ?

 

We have no choice but to see this thing through - #stayhomestaysafe - the alternative is worse, as my doctor used to say (reacting to my complaints on aging).  The future is uncertain and filled with unanswerable questions.

🤷‍

Comments

  1. julinhazonhaAugust 16, 2020 at 1:16 PM

    ah yes the garlic fingers! great piece, once more you strike home, Siri!

    ReplyDelete

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